(not so alive now, are ya, punk?)
Regardless, everyone knows that to gain authority and respect on the sea of knowledge I now dub the, "interwet," you can't be no tuna, you gotta be a narwhal, because narwhals have a giant spike tooth, and it looks like a unicorn horn, and the internet runs on unicorns, as we all know.
(The Internet - Circa 1982, guess it wasn't the last one)
(What, you're telling me you people never watched The Last Unicorn as a kid? Man, I rocked that OG on VHS, you can't front on Mia Farrow, punk.)
So how do you convince the tuna that you're a narwhal who's read "Interview With a Vampire," more times than I watched that GIF of that dude who can sit really well?
(This tike right here went on to travel back in time and become Bill Gates. Then traveled forward in time, got hammered on Space Rye and accidentally blew up the planet, prompting him to go even further in time and create the Matrix, so he could get Neo to figure out a solution, becuase, like, that dude's The One, y'know? It's standard future history we're talking here.)
Well, I'll tell you how to do that thing that I forgot I was talking about thanks to that tangent!
Step 1: Gain 1 internet.
It's easy. Just walk into a busy office, say you've just come from corporate, and if they see that anyone's been on Facebook that day, they'll get fired. Someone will come, plead with you to save them, offer to take their computer and hide it in the janitor's closet until the boss is gone. They accept.
Step 2: Access the CIA's secure internal server.
Look, just don't ask questions. Hey, HEY. I said I'll get you to the internet, we just need to make this little pit stop first. No, no, stop crying. You're not going to prison. Everyone knows that's not a real place. Just go ahead and select everything and hit copy... okay good, now plug in this flash drive. No, stop- uh, you have it upside down. What? Oh, I guess it was right the first time. Stupid USB... Okay cool, now hit paste. Alright, let's go, I don't feel like going to prison. Oh yeah, I lied, it's a very real place, with very real personal space violations. NOW DRIVE.
Step 3: Get on a blog site.
Look, I'm sorry about back there alright, I just needed to be sure the moon landing was real. I can't stand the thought of lying to my kid. Okay, so now you're on the interwet. Soon you'll be spearing people with your epic Narwhal horn of knowledge. So, do it. What do you mean what? Write a thing. Y'know, like, tell people how to do something.
Well, think of what you're good at. Can you make a dreamcatcher? Those things are sweet. Can you play an instrument? Guitar? Cool, play Freebird? OH. Well excuse me for assuming you weren't a talentless hack, Mr. Bieber.
Okay, so you can mostly play guitar. Cool, so write a blog about it. Tell people about chords or scales or whatever nonsense you music types know. Just make up whatever you're not sure of.
Step 4: Post-it.
Alright, you're just about swimming in the stream with all the big fish. Serious, you're about to become more popular than every character in the movie Shark Tale combined.
(Definitely not worse Finding Nemo)
So just hit that little button that says "Post," or "Publish," or "Save," or "Delete System 32?" I'm sure they all do the same thing. And there, great you did it. You made a how to, now you're almost as cool as me. And that's a pretty big thing right there. I'm the guy who played Chunk in the Goonies.
You're kidding. Chunk was the one you thought of when I said, "least-favorite Goonie."
Well then.
I'm gonna go...
Collect whatever's left of my soul.
You enjoy this "INTERNET." you've built up around yourself. It's all lies and Facebook posts anyway.
You've changed, you never used to care about "blogs," or "fish," or "how much Chunk blows chunks." Goodbye forever. I'm gonna go make a million Youtube videos. I'm sure at least one of them will be good.
Edit: I think this is my best one, check it out.
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